Leaves, the occasional pigeon and a blue Ford Fiesta blocking in Sam’s car. That’s the exciting update from the car park done and dusted. Now, here's this week's news...

When Jess met Ed

Here are a few things to remember when meeting the Secretary of State. Do say hello, employ a firm handshake and wear your smartest trousers. Don’t curtsey, eat all the good biscuits or press the button of the miniature gold replica oil rig on his desk. Not even if you’re itching to know what it does. Not even if the cameraman is egging you on. And especially not at the same moment as the Secretary of State walks through the door. Otherwise you’ll have to face the humiliation of sitting in a roomful of people, all politely waiting for the tinny music to stop playing and then suffer further shame when tinny music fails to stop and miniature oil rig has to be unceremoniously shoved into a desk drawer. Now we’ve set the pre interview scene, why not watch our Jess asking Ed Miliband your questions right here and see if you can spot her blushing at her office toy faux pas.

Your face here

Bored at work? Bored enough to have tattooed your own name on your forehead with a paperclip and some luminous yellow highlighter pen ink? Don’t worry, there are some interesting vacancies at our place. Thanks to a spate of recent promotions, we’re looking for some sparky, go getting types to come and join our sales team. Ideally, we’re after people who are looking for their second sales job, whether that’s a year’s work placement or as the Del Boy of your current team. Deadline for applications is 22nd November and you can find out a bit more about the jobs here. If they’re not for you, then please feel free to send them on to your kid brother or that bloke at the next desk who is dismantling his biro. Again.

Christmas is coming

Yes, we know it’s a bit early but given that Festive Spice air freshener has been on the shelves since July and there’s only 37 days left till Christmas, we’re trying to be organised and sort out our present list. So if you fancy receiving a Christmas present from us this year, then pop your details here and depending on how quick/good you’ve been, we’ll send you a festive offering in the post.

And finally...

This week’s news is a special one off edition containing a world premiere, lots of fake blood and the biggest monster jeep you’ve ever seen. Read on if you dare...

Chiller: The HIStory

Every three months, everyone in Fruit Towers can apply for the innocent scholarship. If you win you get £1,000 to do something you’ve always wanted to. The only rules are that whatever you apply to do, it must be a) legal b) for you c) not for anything medical. You then present your application to the whole company and everyone votes for their favourites. Geoff cycled across Uganda, Jojo learnt how to take amazing pictures and others have done all sorts of stuff, from climbing mountains to rebuilding beloved boats and installing massive fish tanks in their living room. Mark and Shrimp even went off to India to find the best chutney (which for the record was lime, chilli and coriander from somewhere in Kerala).

Jim Shamon Anderson

Jim, however, chose to spend his scholarship money remaking Michael Jackson’s Thriller video. Instead of a 30th birthday party where you sup on a few light ales and receive a light ribbing from your mates, Jim enlisted a cast of friends, workmates, wife and his firstborn to star, film and work the zombie moves. Weeks were then spent organising, practicing dance steps and burying outfits for that authentic zombie look. Then on a sunny September Saturday, cast and crew shot the whole thing in one day. Check out the behind the scenes goings on here.

Meet the zombies

And then please let us introduce you to some of the supporting cast. By day, they work in Fruit Towers, crushing fruit, doing IT stuff and getting our drinks from A to B, C and T. But by night (and every other weekend) they are a crack commando unit of werewolves, ghoulish receptionists and the best back-from-the-dead dancers this side of W6. Meet them up close and personal right here.

The world premiere of Jim Anderson’s Thriller Chiller

But now the main event. You’ve read the background story. You’ve met the stars (sort of). You’ve hopefully seen MJ’s original (otherwise none of this will have made any sense whatsoever, in which case have a look here first). So without further ado [cue drum roll/crash of cymbals/other exciting sound effects], please sit back, find someone to hold onto and watch the film right here.

And finally...

• DCI Burnside: the artist
• How your brain sees you
• The end of consequences
• An eye for Annai (thanks to Benny for this link)

Disclaimer: This week’s news contains sound effects that some readers may find offensive. Partly because they require a certain degree of participation and imagination. Mainly because they are rubbish. If you wish to enjoy the news in peace, please continue with fingers in your ears.

Refreshing change

Usually when we've made something new, we like to launch it in an all singing, all dancing, four-dog-unicycle-display-team sort of way. But as Tineke rightly pointed out, we're a little behind on the banging the drum front this time round. So please accept our apologies and allow us to back peddle a bit while we launch our new recipe in true cymbal crashing style.

Refreshing change

Parp parp. Tap de tap tap tap. Crash, bang, fizz, wallop, kapow. No, not the sound of an early fireworks display or a rerun of Batman on next door’s telly but the sound of our brand new recipe – cranberries, blueberries & cherries – hitting the shelves. It’s our second banana free recipe, it’s a cracking shade of purple and it’s as tasty and refreshing as running through a sprinkler in your Dad’s Speedos. Available in little bottles, big cartons and all respectable chilled drinks aisles, we hope you enjoy it.

Knitted mummies

Knitter natter, pitter patter. That’s the sound of 620,000 behatted smoothies, squeezies and veg pots making their merry woollen way to a Sainsbury’s near you. Okay, so that’s not the actual sound of bottles being delivered, but rubbish sound affects aside, the Big Knit goes live this week. To celebrate and whip everyone up into a woollen frenzy, Gurdeep organised a post Halloween game of ‘Knitted Mummies’. We say ‘organised’. He actually invented, devised and orchestrated the whole affair. Countless balls of wool, 160 or so captive volunteers and the duration of the Big Knit Choir's Christmas single to completely wrap your team mate up in wool. Clearly a slow weekend for our Gurd. Check out the full mummification right here and then hotfoot it down to your nearest Sainsbury’s to stock up on some Big Knit bounty.

Mushroom mysteries

As any forager worth his bracken will tell you, you should never eat anything you find in the wild unless you’re 110% sure that it is what you think it is. Even if that rugged wild terrain happens to be the driveway of a small industrial estate in W6. Even if you have, like our Lucy T, been on an urban foraging course. And even if you really fancy mushrooms on toast for lunch. No matter what velvety cooing this ‘shroom siren makes, no matter how many times you salivate as you stroll past it and no matter how many times you consult the special mushroom book, you must not succumb to its earthy ways until you know for certain that what you’re about to pick is not going to leave you wearing a Death Cap.

And finally...